What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. Often we feel a deep or intense sorrow or distress when there is a death of someone. We might ask ourselves, why is this so painful but the pain is so intense because we loved them so much. There are many factors that effect how we grieve? Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors: your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, your support system, and the nature of the loss. Do we all people grieve the same? Definitely No. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. Some people grieve in a healthy manner by attending counseling, using their supports to get them through the rough days, journaling and just allowing themselves to feel the pain. On the opposite side of the spectrum, some people do not grieve in a healthy manner. Grief will catch up with you so it’s best to work through it. The Analogy I like to use is: Grief comes in one size, Extra Large. If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer where it never sees the light of day, it remains exactly the same. On the other hand, if we wear it, feel it, talk about it and share it with others, it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn, or will simply no longer fit. When grief has served its purpose, we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained. If we don't grieve, it will manifest itself through our behavior and emotions. Some examples are self-harming, abusing alcohol & drugs, committing suicide, acting out by getting in trouble with the law or denial. What happens if we don’t grieve appropriately? It only gets more difficult with every loss thereafter. Past unresolved grief: Each grief reaction in the person's past life that has not been fully resolved has left as a residue unresolved strong emotions. The person himself may have forgotten the cause of the grief, but the emotions surrounding the grief are eternal. Ordinarily, unresolved past grief will be triggered by a similar present loss, and will be experienced at the same time. Even to the person himself, the power of a grief where a past loss is acting as a "multiplier" can be surprising to the point of being shocking or even lead the person to fear that he may be going insane. For example, if a person's wife died ten years ago, but for some reason the grief was never resolved, and his pet canary dies, a grief reaction of great intensity may begin. As the person grieves for his canary, his wife is also being mourned. Again, if we don't allow ourselves to grief it will manifest itself physically, emotionally, cognitively and/or behaviorally. Grief counseling in corpus christi, tx

Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

10 Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

Keep in mind, context, timing and who is saying them is everything!

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

* At least he lived a long life, many people die young
* He is in a better place
* She brought this on herself
* There is a reason for everything
* Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
* You can have another child still
* He was such a good person
* God wanted him to be with him
* I know how you feel
* He did what he came here to do and it was his time to go
* Be strong

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

* I am so sorry for your loss.
* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
* My favorite memory of your loved one is...
* I am always just a phone call away
* Give a hug instead of saying something
* We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
* I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
* Saying nothing, just be with the person

Many of us have said "The Best" and "The Worst." We meant no harm, in fact the opposite. We were trying to comfort. A grieving person may say one of the worst ones about themselves and it’s ok. It may make sense for a member of the clergy to say, "He is in a better place" when someone comes to them for guidance. Where as an acquaintance saying it may not feel good.

Here are some of the traits that make the best, "The Best" and the worst, "The Worst".

Traits of the Worst Ones

* They want to fix the loss
* They are about our discomfort
* They are directive in nature
* They rationalize or try to explain, loss
* They may be judgmental
* Not about griever
* May minimize the loss
* Put a time line on loss

Traits of the Best Ones

* Supportive, but not trying to fix it
* About feelings
* Non active, not telling anyone what to do
* Admitting can’t make it better
* Not asking for something or someone to change feelings
* Recognize loss
* Not time limited

By Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler
On Grief and Grieving, Simon & Shuster
grief.com