What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. Often we feel a deep or intense sorrow or distress when there is a death of someone. We might ask ourselves, why is this so painful but the pain is so intense because we loved them so much. There are many factors that effect how we grieve? Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors: your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, your support system, and the nature of the loss. Do we all people grieve the same? Definitely No. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. Some people grieve in a healthy manner by attending counseling, using their supports to get them through the rough days, journaling and just allowing themselves to feel the pain. On the opposite side of the spectrum, some people do not grieve in a healthy manner. Grief will catch up with you so it’s best to work through it. The Analogy I like to use is: Grief comes in one size, Extra Large. If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer where it never sees the light of day, it remains exactly the same. On the other hand, if we wear it, feel it, talk about it and share it with others, it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn, or will simply no longer fit. When grief has served its purpose, we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained. If we don't grieve, it will manifest itself through our behavior and emotions. Some examples are self-harming, abusing alcohol & drugs, committing suicide, acting out by getting in trouble with the law or denial. What happens if we don’t grieve appropriately? It only gets more difficult with every loss thereafter. Past unresolved grief: Each grief reaction in the person's past life that has not been fully resolved has left as a residue unresolved strong emotions. The person himself may have forgotten the cause of the grief, but the emotions surrounding the grief are eternal. Ordinarily, unresolved past grief will be triggered by a similar present loss, and will be experienced at the same time. Even to the person himself, the power of a grief where a past loss is acting as a "multiplier" can be surprising to the point of being shocking or even lead the person to fear that he may be going insane. For example, if a person's wife died ten years ago, but for some reason the grief was never resolved, and his pet canary dies, a grief reaction of great intensity may begin. As the person grieves for his canary, his wife is also being mourned. Again, if we don't allow ourselves to grief it will manifest itself physically, emotionally, cognitively and/or behaviorally. Grief counseling in corpus christi, tx

Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

5 Love languages that are important for your relationship:

What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved? The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller! Words of Affirmation—Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Assessments

retrieved from http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

10 Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

Keep in mind, context, timing and who is saying them is everything!

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

* At least he lived a long life, many people die young
* He is in a better place
* She brought this on herself
* There is a reason for everything
* Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
* You can have another child still
* He was such a good person
* God wanted him to be with him
* I know how you feel
* He did what he came here to do and it was his time to go
* Be strong

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

* I am so sorry for your loss.
* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
* My favorite memory of your loved one is...
* I am always just a phone call away
* Give a hug instead of saying something
* We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
* I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
* Saying nothing, just be with the person

Many of us have said "The Best" and "The Worst." We meant no harm, in fact the opposite. We were trying to comfort. A grieving person may say one of the worst ones about themselves and it’s ok. It may make sense for a member of the clergy to say, "He is in a better place" when someone comes to them for guidance. Where as an acquaintance saying it may not feel good.

Here are some of the traits that make the best, "The Best" and the worst, "The Worst".

Traits of the Worst Ones

* They want to fix the loss
* They are about our discomfort
* They are directive in nature
* They rationalize or try to explain, loss
* They may be judgmental
* Not about griever
* May minimize the loss
* Put a time line on loss

Traits of the Best Ones

* Supportive, but not trying to fix it
* About feelings
* Non active, not telling anyone what to do
* Admitting can’t make it better
* Not asking for something or someone to change feelings
* Recognize loss
* Not time limited

By Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler
On Grief and Grieving, Simon & Shuster
grief.com

Never Give Up!

Underage Drinking allowed by Parents'

Consequences for giving alcohol to anyone under the age of 21 are a $4,000 fine, 1 year in jail and possibly getting your driver's license suspended for 6 months. Adults and parents' who provide alcohol for teens are possibly trying to gain approval from their own child or gain a popularity status for their child. I remember in High School they were know as the "cool" parents, and also the home to hang out at. However, parents' do not realize that when that child leaves their home intoxicated the consequences that might follow will be held on them since they are the one's that provided the alcohol. I also often hear parents' say that if my teen is gonna drink, I'd rather them drink at home. Well, statistics show that if a teen is going to drink at home, he or she is also more likely to drink when they are out. Allowing underage drinking also sets up a teen for being an alcoholic. Encourage your children to wait until the age of 21, they are less likely to develop an addiction and will not use alcohol as a way of coping with stress in their life.

Healthy Brain




Longstanding Alcohol Abuse

Building Self-Esteem In Children

Picture this, when you are born your self-esteem is at it's highest because we haven't had the time or the skills to damage it yet. The analogy that I like to use is that your self-esteem is like a bucket full of water; however each and every negative thing that we tell ourselves is like drilling holes in the bucket and before you know it, our self-esteem is low. Now, how can we build it back up? As a parent, our job is to build up our child's self-esteem because self-esteem develops before the age of 9. If a child has a good self-concept about himself he or she is more likely to achieve the goals he sets for himself. It is a known fact that kids who are told that they are stupid or won't amount to anything have a lower IQ. Also, if a child has a good self-esteem he or she is less likely to give in to peer pressure and less likely to ever start using drugs and alcohol. Why? because they don't need to alter their mood to feel good about themselves. Back to the question, how can we build up a child's self-esteem?

Here are 10 Ways to lmprove Children's Self'Worth
1. Put children in situations where they can succeed at doing what you want them to do. For instance, if a child is unsure of himself, give the child an opportunity to develop self-confidence by experiencing success, such as helping pick out fruits and vegetables, or pushing the shopping cart.
2. Expect the child to succeed in a small, specific situation. lf you expect children to succeed all the time in all situations, you will be very disappointed. lt is not a realist goal.
3. lf your child does not succeed in a specific situation, problem solve and determine what is undermining the child's attempts at success.
4.Every time you see your child behaving in the desired way, praise,him - and write it down.Try to remember other times in the past when you have seen the desired behavior and then you can have a list or a "story' of successes, You can either read this to the child when the child is feeling down, or use it as a bedtime power story so the child can go to sleep with this new and successful picture in his mind.
5.Praise him every time they are behaving. Tell someone else how the child is behaving, and make certain the child can hear you.
6. Act in a way you want your child to act, and then praise yourself for acting that way.
7.Visualize your child as already being the new positive label, and then relate to the child with the new label as part of the child.
8. Show respect for the child's feelings and opinions even though you might not agree with them. Honor your child's opinions and feelings by saying, "l can understand how you might feel this way." The child's feelings and opinions are a part of the child as much as your feelings and opinions are a part of you.
9. Be careful to give children comments on their strengths as well as on their weaknesses. Often we are so intent on helping children get rid of all their "bad" qualities that we neglect to comment on all the good ones we see. Keep track for a few days of the balance of your comments by dividing a sheet of paper into two columns; one labeled Strengths and the other labeled Weaknesses. Then put each comment in the appropriate side and see how you do. Try to have five to ten times the number of comments that focus on the Strengths.
10. Be patient. Change is an evolutionary process - not a revolutionary one. It takes time to change. Stay focused and above all, consistent.